Botched Summoning
by Screaming Muted
Summary: I am just a result of a fling my parents had, and last my mother heard of him was that he died. Not that I cared. I am fine with my mother and her 'associates.' So, when some half-wit Hell bitch summons me because she was attempting summon Sparda – ain't he dead? – annnnd, I am nearly shot in the face when I kill the said half-wit; I have the right to be annoyed.


**Warning**: Heavily AU; Parody/Humorous moments; graphic violence; _**LANGUAGE**_; extremely powerful Menma/Naruto; extremely powerful Bijū; female and mama Kyuubi/Kurama; Demon (half Bijū/half Devil) Menma/Naruto; _**possible**_ slash and incest; etc, etc. Oh, and not beta'd, like everything else I write unless stated otherwise.

I will be frank with you; I have no idea where the idea came from, like, at all. Nevertheless, the slash pairing for this story will be **Dante **(DMC | DmC) / **Menma **(Naruto), just for the hell of it, if I decide to make this a slash fic at all that is. So. Yeah. Don't read it if you don't like it, but I'll probably... I dunno, be subtle – or try to be at any rate – about their feelings, when they obtain them, about each other. So. Yeah. In addition, while this is completely unrelated, but. I KEEP FORGETTING HOW TO PRONOUCE DANTE'S NAME.

Oh, right, right, almost forgot to mention this; if you have not noticed already or took a hint from the warning, Naruto will look and be more like Menma, from _Road to Ninja_. Why? Because that Naruto, even if he was possessed (or whatever it was again), is better suited for DMC, in my honest opinion. And yes, this is like my FFX/DMC xover. Sort of.

* * *

**Only a Halfwit Can Botch a Summon**

* * *

First off, I should tell you to stay the Hell away from my mother.

_Unless_, you can stand the fact that she is horribly clingy after a good fuck. Seriously, I have seen the way she gets the morning after – thank sweet merciful God for sparing me the mental scarring I would get if we did not have soundproof walls for our rooms. – And while I do not really care about that, I DO care about the fact that the person that she gets with usually dies by an extremely gruesome death, by either her, me, or one of my siblings if he treats like shit afterwards.

That being said; I am Menma, the son of the Great Bijū, Kyubi. Though that is just her title; her name, that only a few are allowed to use, is Kurama. She is the "Top Dog" of the Bijū's, which are right next to Devils in terms of power and whatnot if not more so, just in lesser numbers; nine in fact, if you do not include their offspring's. But nevertheless, that is one of the many reasons _why_ the Bijū's have kids now and then – though mostly if someone catches their fancy – and my father must have really caught my mother's fancy if she allowed herself to become pregnant with me right off the bat. Because, yeah. That **hardly** ever happens, at least according to one of my eldest siblings that are still hanging around.

I am, as my mother and her "associates" (plus my annoying siblings) would say, _'a smart mouth, fractious, insane, punk ass little shit with a lot more power than he deserves, but I care for the shit-face.' _(Yeah, aren't I extremely and utterly loved.) Then again I could have a twin brother that caused a lot shit for me and is after ultimate power thus making me have to go after the idiot before having to kill the said idiot because he just won't stop and he wants to kill the human race and I would not want that because I find the humans amusing. Yeah, no, I do not think so. And my mother doesn't want to deal with having another toddler, not with how I was when I was that little, for quite a while, so that clears me having younger siblings on my mother's side, or at least until someone else catches her attention. And seeing as I don't know if my father had other kids before or after he and mother had their little one night stand or not, but I most probably have some on my father's side. _At least_. Nevertheless, considering they must be either grown up or dead by now, I do not see a problem if I meet them.

Unless they are complete and utter dickwads.

Then we have problem.

(... Probably, anyway. It really is likely I'll dislike him or her if that's the case, at any rate.)

But enough about that stupid shit; I have a problem to deal with right _now_.

| **ONTO THE ACTUAL STORY... **|

First thing, I felt from waking up from my rather sudden power nap was the absolute _grogginess_, and the dizziness that made my head feel as though it was going around in circles. Once I noticed I could notice what I was thinking, the first thing he noticed that went through his mind was, 'If I got drugged by Minato, _again_, I will kill the bastard – he may be Mother's living eldest and a slippery fucker, but I will _beat him dead_.' The second was quite simple, 'If some half-wit actually forced-summoned me during dinnertime, I will murder them.'

"You look nothing like Sparda is said to be," An annoyingly high-pitch voice said from somewhere on my left, and the hitch-pitch of it made me wanna stab my two clawed index fingers into my eardrums – and I would if I didn't know it heal almost instantly and over my fingers – and I turn my head towards my left. What I saw clashed with the annoying tone of the girl (?); a light brown-haired female with a pair of optical-vision enhancers some humans use to help fix their vision – or something to that effect, he could not remember – with dark eyes that were almost black. She was dressed in rather plain clothing with blood here and there, but the book she had in front of her was what caught my attention.

'That... is the book **Isobu** lost... _Fuck_.' I tsked, narrowing my eyes at the... ah, what is she... oh, just a Hell bitch. I snort before replying, "You don't say?" I clinked my tongue against the back of my teeth, "Maybe it could be because I'm **not** Sparda, you damned half-wit."

"Then the spell should have gone for his eldest, living child!"

"Yeah, and?"

"You are most certainly not Vergil nor do you have white hair!"

"No, no I am not, I don't even know who that is, and that would be because my mother's genes dominated his when I was conceived."

"That's... what?"

_Really, have you not put the pieces that are so obvious together yet?_ I stared blankly at the female, "... Whose symbol on my mask do you think belongs to?"

The half-wit had to pause to study at the markings on my mask before replying, "The Great Bijū Lady, Kyubi."

"And _who're_ the only ones allowed to wear said symbol **besides** Kyubi?"

"Her brood,"

"_And . . . ?_"

"This would imply you are the son of Kyubi," The half-wit concludes, "But this doesn't explain how you were summoned instead of Sparda or Vergil! Or even _Dante_!"

"_Oh sweet merciful _. . . Really, you – I cannot believe this shit! I would rather have been drugged by Kushina or been bedded by _Gaara_! How the Hell did you summon me if you are this fucking stupid, you incompetent Hell bitch?"

The half-wit apparently does not take kindly to being insulted the second time, or so blatantly, if transforming and attacking me says anything.

I snort, shaking my head, before taking out my claws and shoving my hand through her ugly head -

just in time to be nearly shot in face by a bullet, if I hadn't dodged just in time and used the dead half-wit's body as a shield.

"What the–" Once again, I had to dodge, but this time I had to ditch the body after it got riddled with bullet holes and had to jump about in order to dodge. When the bullets stopped coming, I immediately noticed a sword coming down towards my masked face – "What is with you fucking people attacking the mask, _my face_?!" – which I went to dodge. However, I was kicked the stomach when I was nearly halfway out of the way, so I could only trust in the mask that my cousin whom is really more like my brother hand crafted himself would stop the sword from cleaving my head in half.

It did, but the mask was useless now that it is in pieces.

| **THIRD PERSON, WOO WOO!** |

Everything seemed to slow the moment the mask shattered into ten-twenty pieces.

Alice-blue orbs stared at the broken pieces in surprise before they narrowed in anger, and they flash a shade of red that would send tremors down a human's entire body at even a glimpse. They focus onto the one responsible; and the owner of Alice-blue orbs registered that his opponent had the same eye color but with head full of silver.

Menma then realizes that his attacker is shortly surprised at seeing eyes much like his own and he uses that moment to kick him away by kicking him in the face – 'Payback, asshole!' – And then he backflips before he lands a little ways from the half-wit Hell bitch's body. He watches as the red-clad man hit the hard flooring.

Menma's nose scrunches up in –

"_OW!_ What is wrong with this floor, is it made of titanium?!"

– And it goes back to normal.

"What is tie-tay-amen?" Menma questioned, silently wondering if what he had been taught about human world was wrong. He figured this tie-tay-amen must be some kind of flooring, but he never heard of it.

(Do not look at me like that; I do not even know what I am talking about. I am as clueless as plastic bottle.)

"Who the hell doesn't know what titanium is?"

"Someone who _clearly_ been summoned during _**dinner**_."


End file.
